It’s August and Jose Baxter is standing confidently on the training field in his club tracksuit.
In his hand is a whistle, at his feet a ball. He’s leading an intense training session at Finch Farm with one of Everton’s youth teams.
他手里拿着哨子，脚下是球。他正在芬奇农场带领埃弗顿的一支青年队进行紧张的训练。
The former prodigy has come full circle. He’s a full-time and highly rated coach at the club he joined as a six-year-old and where he burst through to become one of the youngest players to start a game in the Premier League as a 16-year-old.
这位前神童已经走了一圈。他在六岁时加入的俱乐部成为一名全职和高评价的教练，他在那里爆发，成为16岁时在英超联赛中开始比赛的最年轻的球员之一。
He’s only 29 but those days feel a lifetime away for the local lad, born in Bootle, just a couple of miles from Goodison Park.
他只有29岁，但对于这个出生在布特尔的本地小伙子来说，那些日子感觉已经过去了。
Earlier this summer Baxter formally announced his retirement from playing after a spell in the USA with Memphis 901, which is partially owned by former team-mate Tim Howard.
今年夏天早些时候，巴克斯特在美国的孟菲斯901队正式宣布退役，该队的部分股份由前队友蒂姆-霍华德拥有。
As he sits down with The Athletic to reflect on a 13-year-career with stratospheric highs and crushing lows he is painfully honest.
当他与The Athletic坐下来反思13年的职业生涯，其中有平流层的高点和破碎的低点时，他是痛苦的诚实。
Baxter, who twice considered suicide while banned for failing a second drugs test at Sheffield United in 2016, wants to use his experiences to help Everton’s young players develop as people as well as footballers.
巴克斯特在2016年因在谢菲尔德联队第二次药检不合格而被禁赛期间两次考虑自杀，他希望用自己的经历来帮助埃弗顿的年轻球员在做人和踢球方面得到发展。
Baxter once left Everton in dismay, turning down a contract after growing frustrating at not getting enough first-team football.
巴克斯特曾经沮丧地离开了埃弗顿，在对没有得到足够的一线队足球感到越来越沮丧之后拒绝了一份合同。
Now he would sleep at the club’s training ground if he could. His coaching career is only in its infancy but he is dreaming big.
现在，如果可以的话，他愿意睡在俱乐部的训练场上。他的教练生涯只是处于起步阶段，但他的梦想很大。
“My long-term goal is to be the manager,” he says. “I’ll say this to you now — it didn’t quite work out at Everton for me as a player because something good is going to come for me as a manager or a coach. I’m not saying that’ll be first-team manager anytime soon but it’s my dream and I have to set my goal high.
"我的长期目标是成为经理，"他说。"我现在要对你说的是--在埃弗顿我作为一名球员不太成功，因为作为一名经理或教练，我将会有好的事情发生。我并不是说很快就会成为一线队的主教练，但这是我的梦想，我必须把目标定得很高。
“It drives me on. I adore Everton.”
"它促使我继续前进。我崇拜埃弗顿。"
Baxter is living a new narrative now.
巴克斯特现在正生活在一个新的叙述中。
He’s tired of the old one — which he shared with others such as Billy Kenny and Michael Branch — both also gifted young players consumed by the pressure and temptations of life as a starlet at their boyhood club.
他已经厌倦了老一套--他与其他人如比利-肯尼和迈克尔-布兰奇共享--两人也都是有天赋的年轻球员，在他们的童年俱乐部中被作为小明星的生活压力和诱惑所消耗。
Bootle, where Baxter grew up, is one of the most deprived areas in the country.
巴克斯特长大的Bootle是全国最贫困的地区之一。
Football was his route to a prosperous life for him and his family. It all began on a Saturday morning on some local playing fields when he was scouted by Martin Waldron, who would go on to become Everton’s head of academy recruitment before leaving in 2019.
足球是他的路线，为他和他的家人带来了富裕的生活。这一切都始于一个周六的早晨，在当地的一些运动场上，他被马丁-沃尔德隆发现，后者在2019年离开之前成为埃弗顿的学院招聘主管。
“I only heard what happened from Martin recently,” says Baxter over coffee in Liverpool.
"我最近才从马丁那里听说发生了什么，"巴克斯特在利物浦喝咖啡时说。
“He told me he stepped foot onto the kids’ pitches on Jericho Lane and saw this lad score a worldy and by the time he’d got round to my dad, I’d scored another two. He spoke to my dad about getting me in and the next day he was due to meet Bill Kenwright for the first time.
"他告诉我，他踏上了杰里科巷的儿童球场，看到这个小伙子进了一个世界波，当他找到我父亲时，我又进了两个。他和我父亲谈起了让我加入的事情，第二天他将第一次见到比尔-肯莱特。
“He said he was speaking to him and told him, ‘I’ve got you one. I saw him yesterday… he’ll play for your first team’.”
"他说他正在和他说话，并告诉他，'我已经给你找了一个。我昨天看到他了......他将为你的一线队效力'。"
Waldron was right. In August 2008, the kid he had spotted became the Premier League’s then-second youngest ever starter at 16 years 191 days.
瓦尔德隆是对的。2008年8月，他发现的这个孩子以16岁191天的年龄成为英超联赛有史以来第二年轻的首发球员。
Baxter’s debut had been in the previous fixture, the opening game of the 2008-09 season; a 3-2 home defeat by Blackburn,
巴克斯特的首次亮相是在之前的比赛中，即2008-09赛季的揭幕战；在主场3-2击败布莱克本。
“I came on and just remember missing a header,” he recalls. “Jags (Phil Jagielka) had cut in and whipped a ball in on his left foot and I was at the back post. I thought (goalkeeper) Paul Robinson had it covered so I only half-jumped and when he missed it, it was too late.”
他回忆说："我上场后只记得错过了一个头球，"他说。"贾格斯（菲尔-贾吉尔卡）切入后用左脚将球传出，我当时在后门柱。我以为（门将）保罗-罗宾逊把球挡住了，所以我只跳了一半，当他错过球时，已经太晚了。"
The following week, Everton went to face West Brom at The Hawthorns and on the Friday afternoon, his world really changed.
接下来的一周，埃弗顿在山楂树球场对阵西布朗，在周五下午，他的世界真的改变了。
“We were sitting in the analyst room and the lights went off and the projector came on for a tactical presentation about West Brom,” he says.
"他说："我们当时坐在分析室里，灯光熄灭，投影仪打开，进行关于西布朗的战术介绍。
“We’d train in the morning, then travel to the away game and have our dinner. So when the lights go off you’re half falling asleep. Then I just heard my name. (Manager) David Moyes said, ‘You’re playing on the left’ and it didn’t half wake me up. If I’d had my phone in my pocket I’d have rung my dad there and then.
"我们会在早上训练，然后前往客场比赛，并吃上我们的晚餐。因此，当灯光熄灭时，你就会半睡半醒。然后我就听到了我的名字。(经理）大卫-莫耶斯说，'你在左边打球'，这让我半天都没睡醒。如果我的口袋里有手机，我当时就会给我父亲打电话。
“When the meeting finished my feet didn’t touch a stair as I sprinted up to my room to get my phone. I rang my mum and dad and said, ‘I’m starting dad! I’m starting’.
"当会议结束时，我的脚没有碰到楼梯，我冲刺到我的房间去拿我的手机。我给我的妈妈和爸爸打电话，说："我开始了，爸爸！我开始了。我开始了'。
For many, such a day would be a blur. Not Baxter, who recalls nearly every passage of play he was involved in.
对许多人来说，这样的一天将是模糊的。巴克斯特则不然，他几乎回忆起了他参与的每一段比赛。
“I remember just being me and trying stuff,” he says. “We had a throw-in and Leighton Baines gave it to me and I tried to volley it across the pitch to Tony Hibbert but I gave it away. Joleon Lescott was giving me shit but that’s who I was. I tried things. It’d got me there and I didn’t want to change it.
"他说："我记得我只是做我自己，尝试一些东西。"我们有一个丢球，莱顿-贝恩斯把球给了我，我想把球传给托尼-希伯特，但我把球打飞了。乔莱恩-莱斯科特对我指手画脚，但我就是这样的人。我尝试了一些东西。它让我在那里，我不想改变它。
“I remember coming off on 65 minutes and Moyesy grabbed me and said I did well. Then we scored late on to win and make the day even better.”
"我记得在65分钟时下场，Moyesy抓住我，说我做得很好。然后我们在最后时刻进球，赢得了胜利，使这一天变得更加美好。"
Remarkably Baxter, a central midfielder or occasional striker, had never played left wing before that afternoon.
值得注意的是，作为一名中场或偶尔担任前锋的巴克斯特，在那个下午之前从未踢过左翼。
“Bainesy was great for me. It was so refreshing to be in front of him,” he says. “He’s super intelligent. One of the best I ever played with.
"Bainesy对我很好。在他面前是如此令人耳目一新，"他说。"他超级聪明。他是和我一起玩过的最好的人之一。
“You look back at that team now, players like him, Tim Cahill, Mikel Arteta and Yakubu, it was arguably one of the best teams we’ve had in a while. Looking back, I’m proud I managed to break into that team and get an armful of games. I must have been all right.”
"你现在回头看看那支球队，像他、蒂姆-卡希尔、米克尔-阿尔特塔和雅库布这样的球员，这可以说是我们有段时间以来最好的球队之一。回顾过去，我为自己能够闯入那支球队并获得一臂之力感到自豪。我的表现一定很好"。
Later, he watched his debut on Match of the Day with friends in Liverpool city centre.
后来，他在利物浦市中心与朋友一起观看了他在《每日比赛》中的首秀。
“When I came on they had me in a headlock cheering,” he says with a half-smile. “It was embarrassing but I was made up as well.”
"当我上场时，他们把我锁在头里欢呼，"他半笑着说。"这很令人尴尬，但我也是被编排的。"
Then rolling his eyes, he adds deadpan: “Probably not a good sign I was in a bar…”
然后翻了翻眼睛，他又死皮赖脸地补充道。"可能不是一个好兆头，我在一个酒吧里......"
Baxter was from a close family. His dad Andy, a gifted amateur player himself, worked as a taxi driver and barely missed a game of his son’s career. But he could not protect his son from the inevitable attention, hype, and unhelpful comparisons.
巴克斯特来自一个亲密的家庭。他的父亲安迪，本身就是一个有天赋的业余球员，当过出租车司机，几乎没有错过儿子的职业生涯中的任何一场比赛。但他无法保护他的儿子免受不可避免的关注、炒作和无益的比较。
“I’d never picked a newspaper up until I was 15 sitting in the players’ canteen at Finch Farm having a cup of tea,” says Baxter.
巴克斯特说："我从来没有拿过报纸，直到我15岁时坐在芬奇农场的球员食堂里喝茶，"。
“It was after I’d scored a goal against Nottingham Forest and I remember this headline ‘Baxter The Future’ and a picture of me next to Wayne Rooney.
那是在我对诺丁汉森林队打进一球之后，我记得这个标题是 "巴克斯特的未来"，还有一张我和鲁尼的合影。
“That’s when I was first aware of it. I was thinking, ‘I don’t want to be compared to Wayne Rooney’. He was this untouchable player ripping up the Premier League and at international level and I didn’t think I was at that level then.
"那是我第一次意识到这一点的时候。我在想，'我不想被比作韦恩-鲁尼'。他是一个不可触及的球员，在英超和国际层面上都是如此，而我认为我当时还没有达到那个水平。
“It was a bit wrong towards both of us really. He was probably looking at it thinking, ‘You’re messing, he can’t even lace my boots’.”
"这对我们两个人来说真的有点不对。他可能看着它在想，'你在捣乱，他甚至不能给我系鞋带'。"
Despite being with the first-team group for much of the next five years, Baxter only made 15 senior appearances for Everton. There were Europa League run-outs and action in league and cups, but for a young man burning with desire to play regularly, it did not feel like enough.
尽管在接下来的五年里，巴克斯特大部分时间都在一线队，但他只为埃弗顿出过15次高级比赛。有欧洲联赛的出场，也有在联赛和杯赛中的表现，但对于一个渴望定期比赛的年轻人来说，这感觉是不够的。
Looking back, he feels it was during this period that he began to suffer from low moods.
回顾过去，他觉得正是在这一时期，他开始受到情绪低落的困扰。
It did not help that he found himself in the headlines for the wrong reasons either. There was an arrest in 2009 on suspicion of possessing cannabis with intent to supply and counterfeit money after a car he was in with friends was pulled over. He was never charged but for Baxter, it was the first of many chaotic incidents.
他发现自己因错误的原因而成为头条新闻，这一点也没有帮助。2009年，在他和朋友乘坐的一辆车被拦下后，他因涉嫌持有大麻并意图供应和假币而被捕。他从未被起诉，但对巴克斯特来说，这是许多混乱事件中的第一次。
“I’d been training and was going for lunch with two mates,” he says. “They were older — I always hung around with older lads. I knew they smoked weed. I can’t deny that. The majority of lads from where I grew up did.
"他说："我一直在训练，和两个伙伴一起去吃午饭。"他们年纪比较大--我总是和年长的小伙子们混在一起。我知道他们吸食大麻。我不能否认这一点。我长大的地方的大多数小伙子都是如此。
“We set off and our other mate phoned and asked me to come and sign a shirt for his little nephew so we did a three-point turn and the next minute, I heard police sirens.
"我们出发了，我们的另一个伙伴打电话给我，让我来为他的小侄子签一件衣服，所以我们做了一个三点式转弯，下一分钟，我听到了警察的警报声。
“What I didn’t know was there was £200 of fake money in the car and the bags of weed they had. The police officers split us up. My two mates went into the van and another got in the car with me and was saying, ‘You’re the next Billy Kenny’.
"我不知道的是，车里有200英镑的假钱，还有他们的几袋大麻。警察们把我们分开。我的两个队友进了面包车，另一个和我一起上了车，并说，'你是下一个比利-肯尼'。
“But my pals had both been saying, ‘It’s got absolutely nothing to do with Jose’.
"但我的伙伴们都一直在说，'这和何塞绝对没有关系'。
“This policeman slaughtered me all the way to the custody suite. I spent that night in a cell in the station. I hadn’t even done anything and I was the last to get release. I got out at 6am and went straight to my mum’s for sleep because I’d been awake all night.
"这名警察在前往拘留所的路上把我宰了。那天晚上我在警察局的牢房里度过。我甚至什么都没做，我是最后一个被释放的。我在早上6点出来，直接去我妈妈家睡觉，因为我整晚都没睡。
“Then I hear my mum shouting, ‘Joe — Moyes is on the house phone for you’. He said ‘We’ve got a reserves game against Man United tonight. Get your head on it’. At this point, the news was already out. You couldn’t turn the TV or radio on without hearing reports about what happened.”
"然后我听到我妈妈喊，'乔--莫耶斯在家里打电话找你'。他说'我们今晚有一场对曼联的预备队比赛。把你的头放在这上面'。在这一点上，新闻已经出来了。你打开电视或收音机，都会听到关于所发生的事情的报道。"
Much to his relief, there was sympathy, or at least ribbing, to ease the tension when he arrived for the reserve fixture.
令他欣慰的是，当他来到预备队时，有人同情他，或者至少是嘲笑他，以缓解紧张。
“But I hadn’t had a wink of sleep”, he says. “And I was marked by that Brazilian lad for United, Rafael. I came off at half-time and Stubbsy said, ‘You’re not right are you?’. I was shaking. They said, ‘Get a hot shower and come off’.
他说："但我没有睡过一觉"。"我被曼联的那个巴西小伙子拉斐尔盯上了。我在中场休息时下场，斯塔布西说："你不对吧？我在发抖。他们说，'去洗个热水澡，然后下场'。
“After that, I had to meet the chairman (Bill Kenwright) at Goodison and he was brilliant. Really understanding. I’ll always be grateful for what the chairman’s done for me over the years.”
"在那之后，我不得不在古迪逊会见主席（比尔-肯赖特），他很出色。真的很理解。我将永远感谢主席多年来为我所做的一切。"
It is hard not to conclude that Baxter was forced to grow up too soon, with a warped perspective of reality thanks to the contrasts of being a Premier League star and adolescent from humble roots.
很难不得出结论，巴克斯特被迫过早地长大，由于身为英超球星和出身贫寒的青少年的对比，他对现实的看法是扭曲的。
“I probably missed a bit of my youth in some ways and some of the stupid mistakes I’ve made in my life tell me that,” he says with typical honesty. “I was 15 and 16 sharing a changing room with big characters and multi-millionaires.
"我可能在某些方面错过了我的青春，我一生中所犯的一些愚蠢的错误告诉我，"他以典型的诚实说。"我在15和16岁时与大人物和千万富翁共用一个更衣室。
“It was a surreal and crazy experience because growing up I’d get a pound a day pocket money. Going from that when you’re still in school to astronomical money in the space of six months was a bit mad.
"这是一个超现实的疯狂经历，因为在我的成长过程中，我每天有一英镑的零花钱。当你还在学校的时候，在六个月的时间里，从这个数字到天文数字的钱，有点疯狂。
“I wanted everyone around me to have that too. I would say ‘I’m your get out. I’ve got money — come out with me. You’ve got no clothes? I’ll buy you some’.
"我希望我身边的每个人也能有这种感觉。我会说'我是你的出家人。我有钱--和我一起出去吧。你没有衣服？我会给你买一些'。
“I wouldn’t change it because I still get messages now like, ‘Remember that night? Best night of my life’. But looking back I did miss a big portion of my youth.
"我不会改变它，因为我现在仍然收到这样的信息：'记得那晚吗？我生命中最美好的夜晚'。但回过头来看，我确实错过了一大部分的青春。
“I look at the young lads at the academy now and how David Unsworth prepares them for the adult world, going out on loan and how to react when those big numbers hit your bank. He does it so well.
"我现在看着学院里的年轻小伙子们，大卫-昂斯沃斯是如何为他们准备成人世界的，出去租借，以及当那些大数字打到你的银行时如何反应。他做得非常好。
“These lads have mature heads on their shoulders at a young age and I definitely didn’t.”
"这些小伙子在年轻时就有成熟的头脑，而我绝对没有。"
Baxter is mostly philosophical about his Everton exit now but still sometimes admits to frustration when he thinks back to the opportunities he was denied.
巴克斯特现在对他在埃弗顿的离开大多持哲学态度，但当他回想起他被剥夺的机会时，有时仍承认有挫败感。
“I’d be training out of my skin and there are internationals who trained with me saying I was doing great, then come the Saturday, with all due respect, the likes of Vellios (Greek striker Apostolos Vellios, who would make 22 appearances for Everton) would be on the bench.
"我在训练时，有一些国脚和我一起训练，说我做得很好，然后到了星期六，恕我直言，像维利奥斯（希腊前锋阿波斯托洛斯-维利奥斯，他将为埃弗顿出场22次）会在板凳上。
“I’d be looking at it wondering what more I needed to do.
"我看着它，想知道我还需要做什么。
“But you’d go into training with a big brave face on. But I was low. I was down.”
"但你会带着一张大的勇敢的脸去参加训练。但我当时很低落。我很沮丧。"
By the summer of 2012, Baxter was faced with a painful decision. He had enjoyed a loan spell at Tranmere but Moyes recalled him, warning him “not to forget he was an Everton player”.
到2012年夏天，巴克斯特面临着一个痛苦的决定。他在特兰米尔享受了一段租借期，但莫耶斯召回了他，警告他 "不要忘记他是一名埃弗顿球员"。
“I was never ever going to forget that,” he says. “Moyes brought me back and I was used once as a sub for 10 minutes or so that year.
他说："我永远都不会忘记这一点，"他说。"莫耶斯把我带了回来，那年我曾被用作替补，时间为10分钟左右。
“I remember after a training session we were in the changing rooms and I was taking my boots off. I’d trained well. My standards were always good in training.
"我记得在一次训练结束后，我们在更衣室里，我正在脱掉我的靴子。我训练得很好。我在训练中的水平一直很好。
“Moyesy was there that day and Bainesy had been in the team against me in training and just said, ‘Why isn’t he playing? He’s the best in training every day’. He said it out loud for the gaffer to hear but that was it. Moyes didn’t say anything. I went home that night and was thinking, ‘Yeah, why aren’t I playing?’.
"Moyesy那天在那里，Bainesy在训练中与我对阵，只是说，'为什么他不上场？他每天在训练中都是最好的'。他大声说了出来，让主教练听到，但就是这样。莫耶斯没有说什么。那天晚上我回家后，我在想，'是啊，为什么我没有上场呢'。
Baxter was eventually offered a two-year deal but on less money. He decided it was time to leave.
巴克斯特最终得到了一份为期两年的合同，但资金较少。他决定是时候离开了。
“I had until August 31 to get back and sign my contract but after that meeting, I left and never went back to Everton. I left my boots there. Didn’t collect my stuff. I never even phoned Moyesy.”
"我曾在8月31日之前回来并签署合同，但在那次会议之后，我离开了，再也没有回到埃弗顿。我把我的靴子留在那里。没有去取我的东西。我甚至没有给莫耶斯打过电话。"
Baxter retains plenty of respect for “unbelievable coach Moyes” but wonders what might have been if he had stuck around long enough for the Scot to leave his role the following summer.
巴克斯特对 "令人难以置信的教练莫耶斯 "保留了足够的尊重，但他想知道如果他坚持足够长的时间，苏格兰人在第二年夏天离开他的角色，可能会发生什么。
“Do I regret my decision? I went out and played hundreds of games. I scored at Wembley, ticked off dreams that I wanted to do. So, yes, it was the right decision.
"我后悔我的决定吗？我出去踢了数百场比赛。我在温布利球场进球，完成了我想做的梦想。所以，是的，这是一个正确的决定。
“But Moyesy left 12 months later and Roberto Martinez came in and I had Phil Jagielka saying to me, ‘You’d have definitely been playing for us now’. If I’d have known he was going to leave I would have stayed.
"但12个月后莫耶斯离开了，罗伯托-马丁内斯来了，菲尔-贾吉尔卡对我说，'你现在肯定会为我们踢球'。如果我知道他要离开，我就会留下来。
“As a coach, Martinez is unbelievable. I’d love to go and sit down with him and talk to him about coaching. He’s managed some amazing players and my career is a little tiny spec on his. He’s not going to be arsed about Jose Baxter.
"作为一名教练，马丁内斯是令人难以置信的。我很想去和他坐下来，和他谈谈教练的事。他管理过一些了不起的球员，而我的职业生涯在他身上只是一个小小的规格。他不会对何塞-巴克斯特感到厌烦。
“But in terms of how I played and Moyes set up in 4-5-1, it wasn’t going to be right for me.
"但就我的比赛方式和莫耶斯的4-5-1设置而言，这对我来说并不合适。
“Then Martinez came and they played football. The likes of Luke Garbutt and Ross Barkley started getting chances under him and I’d been ahead of them in the pecking order. I left at the wrong time.”
"然后马丁内斯来了，他们踢球。像卢克-加布特和罗斯-巴克利在他手下开始获得机会，而我一直在他们的前面。我在错误的时间离开了。"
Baxter joined League One side Oldham Athletic next, determined to play his way back to the top.
巴克斯特接下来加入了英甲球队奥尔德姆竞技，决心以自己的方式重返巅峰。
He scored 13 goals in 39 League One appearances the following season and began to attract attention from bigger sides again.
在接下来的赛季中，他在甲级联赛中出场39次，打进13个球，并开始再次吸引大公司的注意。
“I was playing for Oldham against Sheffield United in the cup and they had about 8,000 fans behind the goal,” he recalls. “The United lads all looked the part. I remember thinking it was a proper club. About half an hour into the game their captain Michael Doyle, an Irish lad, said ‘Would you play for us?’. No word of a lie.
"他回忆说："我在杯赛中代表奥尔德姆对阵谢菲尔德联队时，他们的球门后面有大约8000名球迷。他回忆说："曼联的小伙子们看起来都很有气质。我记得我想这是一个合适的俱乐部。比赛进行了大约半小时，他们的队长迈克尔-多伊尔，一个爱尔兰小伙子，说'你愿意为我们效力吗？没有一个字是假的。
“I’m talking to him as I’m playing. I hit a half volley as I was talking to him and it just went wide of the post and I said to him, ‘Yeah, I would’.
"我一边打球一边和他说话。我在和他说话的时候打了一个半截球，它只是偏出了门柱，我对他说，'是啊，我会的'。
“When you’re the captain of a club you know the ins and outs of that club. You play a really active role. He goes, ‘We really fancy you’ and lo and behold at the end of the season, they came in for me.
"当你是一个俱乐部的队长时，你知道该俱乐部的内幕和外幕。你扮演了一个非常积极的角色。他说，'我们真的看上你了'，看吧，在赛季结束时，他们来找我了。
“Paul Dickov (Oldham manager), who I loved, left and Lee Johnson came in and said he wanted to build a team around me but I was ready to go.”
"我喜欢的保罗-迪科夫（奥尔德姆经理）离开了，李-约翰逊进来后说他想围绕我建立一支球队，但我已经准备好了。"
He joined Sheffield United in a £1 million deal after just one full season at Oldham. Baxter would shine in South Yorkshire, playing regularly and scoring plenty from midfield.
他在奥尔德姆只呆了一个完整的赛季，就以100万英镑的价格加入了谢菲尔德联队。巴克斯特在南约克郡大放异彩，经常出场，并在中场取得了很多进球。
“I played 18 months at Sheffield United. I was their highest goalscorer in a decade but I honestly believe I was only 40 per cent of the player I could have been. I was overweight, not really fit but was the top goalscorer in two seasons from centre midfield. We got to FA Cup semi-finals and Carling Cup semis against Tottenham.”
"我在谢菲尔德联队踢了18个月。我是他们十年来进球最多的球员，但我真诚地相信，我只达到了我本可以达到的40%的水平。我体重超标，身体不是很好，但在两个赛季中是中场的最佳射手。我们进入了足总杯半决赛和卡林杯半决赛，对手是托特纳姆。"
It was during this period that Baxter made a decision that was to change his career and life indefinitely.
正是在这一时期，巴克斯特做出了一个决定，这个决定将无限期地改变他的职业和生活。
He pauses, the memory of what happened still raw.
他停顿了一下，对所发生的事情的记忆还很模糊。
“It was the first drug I ever took in my life. Don’t know why I did it to this day,” says Baxter of the ecstasy tablet he took one night in May 2015.
"这是我一生中服用的第一种毒品。至今不知道我为什么要这么做，"巴克斯特谈到他在2015年5月的一个晚上服用的摇头丸时说。
At that stage, he got off reasonably lightly. That July the FA gave him a five-month suspension, three of them suspended, after he claimed his drink had been spiked.
在那个阶段，他被合理地减轻了处罚。那年7月，英足总给了他5个月的禁赛期，其中3个月停赛，因为他声称他的饮料被加了料。
Less than a year later he failed another drug test. This time, the punishment was unequivocal.
不到一年后，他又没有通过药物测试。这一次，惩罚是明确的。
“It’s stupid because the first time I took the drug, I shouldn’t have, I went in and lied. I said I got spiked and I didn’t,” he says. “But the second time I hadn’t taken a drug and couldn’t say anything. Nobody would believe me.
"这很愚蠢，因为我第一次服药时，我不应该这样做，我进去后撒谎了。他说："我说我被灌了药，我没有，"他说。"但第二次我没有吃药，不能说什么。没有人会相信我。
“I’d been at home at the Campfield Pub and had two cups of coffee. I went outside to use the phone and came back in and a lad who I was with gave me a vodka, lime and blackcurrant. I had one sip of it and that was it because I was in training the next day. I don’t know what happened but the next day they tested me and said there was a trace of cocaine in my urine sample.
"我在家里的坎普菲尔德酒吧，喝了两杯咖啡。我出去打了个电话，然后回来，和我在一起的一个小伙子给了我一杯伏特加、青柠和黑加仑。我喝了一口，就这样了，因为我第二天要参加训练。我不知道发生了什么，但第二天他们对我进行了测试，说我的尿液样本中有一丝可卡因。
“They took hair follicles to double-check and they go back as far as 10 months, which they realised was from the first time.
"他们取了毛囊来仔细检查，他们最远可以追溯到10个月前，他们意识到这是第一次的事。
“But because they’d given me a formal warning the first time and there was a school of thought I should have got more, they hit me hard with the second one.
"但因为他们第一次给了我一个正式的警告，而且有一派认为我应该得到更多的警告，所以他们第二次对我进行了严厉的打击。
“Maybe rightly so in some ways but I don’t know. I wanted them to take the hair sample and I was offering blood tests because I knew hand on heart I hadn’t taken a drug.”
"也许在某些方面是正确的，但我不知道。我想让他们采集头发样本，我提供血液测试，因为我知道我没有服用药物。"
Baxter attended an FA disciplinary hearing at Wembley where two years earlier he had opened the scoring in an FA Cup semi-final in 2014.
巴克斯特出席了在温布利举行的英足总纪律听证会，两年前他曾在2014年的足总杯半决赛中首开纪录。
“There was one guy on the panel saying, ‘He’s young, he’s come into money and success and made mistakes’. But another woman stood up and said I was a danger to football and society,” he recalls. “They went out of the room, came back in and said I was banned until 2017. It was two and a half years away and I was just like, ‘What the fuck am I going to do?’.”
"小组里有一个人说，'他很年轻，他遇到了金钱和成功，犯了错误'。但另一个女人站起来说，我是对足球和社会的一个危险，"他回忆说。"他们走出房间，回来后说我被禁赛到2017年。还有两年半的时间，我当时就想，'我他妈的该怎么办呢？
It was the culmination of a time when he’d been slowly coming off the rails.
这是一段时间以来他慢慢走下坡路的高潮。
“At first, I used to commute to Sheffield with Conor Coady who was on loan there. Then after about 10 months, I moved up there. My ex, Cindy, and I got a place and she got a job but I fell into gambling.
"起初，我曾经和租借到谢菲尔德的康纳-科迪一起通勤。然后大约10个月后，我搬到了那里。我的前妻辛迪和我得到了一个地方，她找到了一份工作，但我陷入了赌博。
“I’d finish training and she’d be at work and a couple of the lads who lived on their own would say, ‘Shall we go the bookies?’.
"我结束训练，她在工作，几个独自生活的小伙子会说，'我们去赌钱吧？
“It started from there. I’ve since realised I was just a gambler with everything in life. Taking that drug was a gamble. Going out drinking when I was playing was a gamble. I’d gamble with relationships when I shouldn’t have. With money.”
"这是从那里开始的。我后来意识到，我在生活中只是一个赌徒。服用那种药物是一种赌博。我在玩的时候出去喝酒也是一种赌博。我在不应该的时候拿关系来赌。用钱。"
Under the terms of his ban, Baxter was not even allowed to train at any club. It meant when he was able to return to playing, his body was deconditioned to football and vulnerable to injury.
根据他的禁令条款，巴克斯特甚至不允许在任何俱乐部训练。这意味着当他能够重返赛场时，他的身体已经失去了足球的条件，很容易受伤。
Cut adrift from the only thing he knew, he spiralled.
从他所知道的唯一事物中漂流出来，他陷入了漩涡。
“One day I was feeling really down and I went to my local Marks & Spencers where I’d do the food shop,” he says. “I knew most of the people on the tills but there was a woman there I hadn’t spoken to that much.
"他说："有一天，我感到非常沮丧，我去了当地的马克斯-斯宾塞，我在那里买食品。他说："我认识收银台上的大多数人，但有一个女人，我没怎么说过话。
“So I was at her till and I finished packing my stuff and paid and she goes: ‘Oh, by the way, I’ve had to tell my son his favourite player has been a naughty boy’. It crushed me. I went home and my girlfriend was at work.”
"所以我在她的收银台前，我收拾完我的东西，付了钱，她说。哦，对了，我不得不告诉我的儿子，他最喜欢的球员是个淘气的孩子。这让我崩溃了。我回到家，我的女朋友正在工作。"
Overwhelmed with self-loathing and despair, he began to contemplate suicide.
他被自我厌恶和绝望所淹没，开始考虑自杀。
Baxter moved back to Merseyside where he would spend days in bed, hiding from the world, but it was there he finally managed to turn his life around.
巴克斯特搬回了默西塞德郡，在那里他整天躺在床上，躲避这个世界，但正是在那里他终于设法扭转了自己的生活。
“Not long after that, I moved home and I was laying in bed one day and somebody mentioned a gym called Peak Performance,” he says. “I thought I’d give it a go and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done.
"在那之后不久，我搬回了家，有一天我躺在床上，有人提到一个叫Peak Performance的健身房，"他说。"我想我应该去试试，这是我做过的最好的事情之一。
“Cindy was amazing too.”
"辛迪也很了不起。"
During this time Baxter began volunteering with Everton’s community charity programme, helping with their dementia support sessions.
在这期间，巴克斯特开始在埃弗顿的社区慈善项目中担任志愿者，帮助他们的痴呆症支持会议。
“One day, as I was doing it, the CEO, Denise Barrett-Baxendale, came in and said, ‘The chairman wants to offer you a 12-month playing contract’ and I just broke down. I couldn’t believe it.
"有一天，当我正在做的时候，首席执行官Denise Barrett-Baxendale进来说，'主席想给你提供一份12个月的球员合同'，我就崩溃了。我无法相信。
“I was nervous going back in, wondering what all the old staff would think. I loved it but injuries cropped up and I couldn’t get going. Unsworth offered me another year but I couldn’t do it. I said to him, ‘There are young lads here who had the same dream I did nine years ago and I didn’t want to get in their way just because I was liked’. I needed to get out and play men’s football.”
"回到这里我很紧张，不知道所有的老员工会怎么想。我很喜欢这里，但是伤病不断，我无法继续下去。Unsworth给了我一年时间，但我做不到。我对他说："这里有很多年轻人，他们和我九年前有同样的梦想，我不想因为我被人喜欢而妨碍他们。我需要走出去，去踢男子足球。"
Baxter left Everton again but his body couldn’t sustain moves to Oldham or Plymouth. In February 2020, just before the COVID-19 pandemic, he took the chance to go and play in the US second tier with Howard.
巴克斯特再次离开埃弗顿，但他的身体无法支撑转会到奥尔德姆或普利茅斯。2020年2月，就在COVID-19大流行之前，他抓住机会去和霍华德一起在美国第二级联赛中踢球。
The disruption of the pandemic, though, and missing his three-year-old daughter Dahlia, took a toll.
然而，大流行病的干扰，以及对他三岁女儿达丽亚的思念，使他付出了代价。
“I had some really good days and some lonely days looking back at my life when football was suspended,” he says. “Then you’re trying to be a parent over FaceTime and it’s not great. I don’t regret taking the chance but I had to come back.
"我有一些非常好的日子，也有一些孤独的日子，回顾我的生活，当足球被暂停时，"他说。"然后你试图通过FaceTime做一个家长，这不是很好。我不后悔抓住这个机会，但我不得不回来。
“When I got home I saw my little girl, put my arms out to hug her and she said: ‘Mummy is that my daddy?’, and that was it. There was no way I was going away again.
"当我回到家时，我看到我的小女孩，伸出手臂拥抱她，她说：'妈妈，那是我的爸爸吗'，就是这样。我不可能再离开了。
“There were offers from London, Greece, and a couple back in the USA but I knew I needed something in the north west. It never materialised.”
"有来自伦敦、希腊和美国的一些邀请，但我知道我需要在西北部的东西。它从未实现过。"
Earlier this year Baxter, who is studying for his senior UEFA coaching qualifications, had an opportunity to take sessions at Finch Farm. He hasn’t looked back since and is now full-time.
今年早些时候，正在攻读欧洲足联高级教练资格的巴克斯特有机会在芬奇农场参加训练。从那时起，他就没有回头，现在是全职的。
It’s here that he wants to use his experiences with adversity for the good.
就在这里，他想利用他的逆境经验来做好事。
“I remember I was working with one young lad and in one session I had a bit of a go at him,” he recalls. “I heard afterwards he’s from a foster family and I thought, ‘I wish we’d known this beforehand for the simple reason that kid could have had anything on his mind that day. Anything.
"他回忆说："我记得我和一个年轻的小伙子一起工作，在一次会议上，我对他进行了一番批评。"事后我听说他来自一个寄养家庭，我想，'我希望我们事先知道这一点，原因很简单，这孩子那天可能有任何想法。任何事情。
“I wasn’t too hard on him but I did chide him and it makes you think. I’d love to go around all clubs and speak to the younger lads and tell them about my experience. I thought I was invincible. A lottery ticket in my hand.
"我并没有对他太苛刻，但我确实责备了他，这让你思考。我很想去所有的俱乐部，和年轻的小伙子们谈谈，告诉他们我的经历。我以为我是无敌的。一张彩票在我手中。
“I was in a football bubble and you’re in that until you step out of it. I didn’t grow up until I was in America. Twenty-eight years of age and suddenly I had more time to think and my whole life wasn’t 100mph anymore. I was on my own a lot and my friend over there Michael Reed started telling me to write things down.
"我是在一个足球泡沫中，你在那里面，直到你走出它。直到我在美国，我才长大。28岁的时候，我突然有了更多的时间去思考，我的整个生活不再是100英里/小时了。我经常一个人呆着，我在那边的朋友迈克尔-里德开始告诉我把事情写下来。
“I was writing it and reading it back thinking, ‘Wow — what a horrible person I was’.
"我在写的时候，回过头来读的时候想，'哇--我是一个多么可怕的人'。
Baxter is too busy plotting a bright future for excessive regret and recriminations now.
巴克斯特现在正忙于谋划一个光明的未来，没有过多的遗憾和责备。
Brutally honest and, at times, self-critical he may be. But he is also bold in his conviction that better days are ahead.
他可能是残酷的，有时也是自我批评的。但他也大胆地相信，更好的日子就在前方。
“I look at the quality of coaches at Everton now and it’s intimidating,” he says. “I’ve not been doing it for much more than six months. So it might be 15 years down the line I get that chance to be a manager.
"他说："我看了看现在埃弗顿的教练质量，这让人感到害怕。他说："我做这个工作的时间不超过六个月。因此，我可能在15年后才有机会成为一名经理。
“I want to do everything properly. Learn from the best. I want to go and do a master’s degree and broaden my mind. I’d like to study body language and psychology.
"我想好好做每一件事。向最好的人学习。我想去攻读硕士学位，拓宽我的思路。我想研究身体语言和心理学。
“In the meantime, being around the lads at Everton is an education. I stay and watch some of them coaching, even when I’m not working.”
"与此同时，在埃弗顿的小伙子们身边是一种教育。我留下来看他们中的一些人执教，即使在我不工作的时候。"
Those who have watched him run sessions don’t doubt Baxter has potential. This time, he is determined never to be accused of wasting it.
那些看过他跑步的人并不怀疑巴克斯特有潜力。这一次，他决心永远不会被指责浪费它。
(Top photo: Peter Byrne/PA Images via Getty Images)
(顶部照片: Peter Byrne/PA Images via Getty Images)